


13 Days

by Shion Akii (spicyhorses)



Category: Vocaloid
Genre: M/M, Major Illness, Terminal Illnesses, Why do I do this to myself, olikase
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-04
Updated: 2016-05-10
Packaged: 2018-06-06 08:07:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6746128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicyhorses/pseuds/Shion%20Akii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's strange knowing how long you have until you no longer exist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 13

It's strange knowing how long you have until you no longer exist. It's also strange planning exactly what you're going to say and who you're going to say it to before you die. That's what I've been doing since I found out.

I plan to die peacefully (though I know that's not likely) while my family and my boyfriend are beside me to keep me company. I'm going to be scared... Who isn't scared when they're dying? But hopefully I'll come to terms with it before it's too late to go according to plan.

I plan to give Oliver a kiss before I die and tell him that I love him. He's been with me through thick and thin, and this ordeal has been no exception. I think he's having a harder time coping with my death sentence than I am. He never seems to look at me the way he used to. Now he just looks sad.

I hope to change that before my time is up. I don't know how, but I'm going to. Save the sadness for after I'm gone, will you?

I'm going to note in great detail my last 13 days on this planet. According to my doctor, I'm going to grow weaker by the hour, so I have to reserve my energy if I want to write everything. If worse comes to worse, I'll have someone write it for me. If even worse comes to even worse, I just won't have the whole thing written.

I hope things go well, though.

In any case, this was my day:

I woke up around 4:30 AM with a terribly high fever, so naturally, my bed was drenched in sweat. It took a while, but after drugs were pumped through my system for a few hours, my temperature was back to normal.

I had another red cell infusion after that. My third one this week. They've told me before that having frequent transfusions does pretty much nothing to help, but they're doing it anyway, despite the fact that I'm inevitably going to die in less than two weeks.

After my transfusion, I ended up nodding off while I was sat up in my bed, some early morning talk show droning on the television. I could've sworn they talked about my disease, because I heard it in my dreams in that lady's exact voice. It may just be my brain getting itself worked up while I sleep, because I won't allow it to do that when I'm awake.

Lunch was fed through my NG tube, seeing as I'm very prone to inhaling my food, and that could cause me to die even sooner. Lots and lots of yummy nutrients that I couldn't taste and wouldn't want to.

Oliver came shortly after I was fed and my tube was cleaned. He looked incredibly sad when he walked in to see that I had more tubes stuck in my body than yesterday. I don't even remember where the new one was located.

Regardless, he came to my bedside and forced a smile. The first words either of us spoke were mine: "Cheer the hell up, Oliver. I'm not dead yet." That got him to laugh a little bit. We discussed his favorite pictures on the Internet from last night (he's such a nerd for memes), what he had for breakfast and lunch, and how much we missed choir club from high school. He sang a quick song for me, which made me smile  bigger than I have in a while. I wanted to force him to promise to sing for me every day until I die, but I didn't want to bum him out, so I didn't say anything.

I gave him several kisses and he even took a nap beside me. I forced myself to stay awake, though, because I wanted to admire his adorable sleeping face. Oliver always had the cutest sleeping face, ever since we were young. I held his hand and kissed his forehead, and he snuggled into my side. We did this quite often, more now that I was bedridden.

Once he woke up and remembered where he was, he immediately remembered something. I was a bit confused until he pulled out a bunch of markers, a red wig, and a really funny-looking hat. Accompanying all of this, he pulled out a drawing I had made when we were very young of us as some weird-looking characters.

Needless to say, he made me cosplay my own character, all while I was stuck in bed. This made me really happy. It was nice to finally have hair again, not to mention the hair I'd always wanted. He put makeup on my face to make me look less dead. He drew really cool designs on the right side of my face where my scars were, and even drew the weird red eye over my eyepatch so I could have a left eye and look like my character. When he was finished styling the wig, he pinned the homemade top hat to the top, and took a step back. He looked very pleased with himself.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Take a picture." I requested, and he did so with his phone, immediately showing me afterwards. I was surprised to see myself looking like that. It was a pleasant surprise, though, and I laughed quite a bit. "Thank you, Oliver. This is cool."

It's amazing how the weirdest things become the most pleasant once you're in a situation like this. Having Oliver dress me up was fun, and he showed me a picture of him in full cosplay of the character I had drawn of him.

Oliver had always had a knack for sewing, and recently he'd gotten into cosplay, so it was only a matter of time before he made me do it as well. It was a lot more fun than I'd imagined, getting to be someone else for a while.

We put the pictures together in a collage and posted it to his Instagram, with the caption Oliver had written: "OC cosplay with this nerd of mine! I never thought I'd get to make him cosplay, but he let me dress him up today! ^__^"  I'm not kidding when I drew that emoticon. He added that. He's too adorable.

He stayed with me for the remainder of the night until visiting hours were over. He did his usual "I'll see you tomorrow, I love you, Fukase!" thing and kissed me, casting a glance back at me before the nurse led him from my room. I could've sworn I saw hurt in that glance.

After seeing that, the gravity of the situation really started to hit me. When I was with Oliver, all of my pain seemed to go away, and I'd always completely forget about the fact that I was stuck in a hospital bed for the short remainder of my life.

The rest of the night was uneventful. Lots of vomiting occurred after being fed, I needed a very high dose of painkillers, and I wound up with another fever by 10 PM. Unfortunately, they wouldn't let me sleep until my temperature was normal, so I ended up staying up a little later than usual.

It is now 11:30 PM. My day is about to end. I'm happy to say that it was a pleasant one. I look forward to the next.


	2. 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm happy with how things are. I mean, they could be much better... But I'm happy having who I have in my life right now.

Recently, I had to write my will. I left my bank account to Oliver, half of my savings to my family and half to him, and I stated that anyone could take whatever they wanted. There was no feud between my family and Oliver, so I doubt there would be any fighting over anything.

My family and my boyfriend are pretty much the only people I interact with at all. I don't have any friends, and I don't desire to. I'm happy with how things are. I mean, they could be much better... But I'm happy having who I have in my life right now.

I'm happy knowing that they'll be by my side when I go, too. Yohio said he would be there, too, and I'm glad. Oliver could use someone for moral support. When he told me this, he also clarified our relationship by saying: "I treat you like shit a lot of the time... I don't really mean to, though. I'm just... Kind of overprotective of my little brother, y'know? I just want you to know that I don't hate you, man. I don't hate you at all. I actually really like you. You make Oliver really happy, and I'm so grateful for that."

I was glad to hear Yohio say that. It meant a lot to me. Of course, I knew the whole time that he didn't hate me, and I didn't hate him either. It was just a good clarification from him.

In any case, here was my day:

I didn't wake up early today, which was nice. However, the first thing I did when I woke up was vomit all over myself.

After that bloody mess got cleaned up and my blankets and shirt were replaced, my doctor decided that intravenous nutrition supplements would be the best way to feed me my "breakfast." I'd be fed later, he said. They don't want me starving to death. I don't want that, either. That would be really painful.

I slept as I was "fed," glad to relax some more after a really violent regurgitation; not to mention I woke up exhausted.

Hours later, I was roused by someone pulling a chair up to my bedside. I was pleasantly surprised to see Oliver watching me with a smile on his face. When my eye focused further, I realized that my mom and my sister were standing behind him.

"Heya, Fukase!" Yuki greeted, looking happy as ever. Since she had a lot of homework most of the time, she didn't get to visit me as much as either of us would like. My mom told me that she'd be cut some slack on the homework for the next two weeks (she told them the circumstance) to visit me every day. That was good to hear.

"Yuki brought something for you, Fukase." My mother stated. "It's actually a two-part thing, so, Oliver, you have one, too. Go on, show them..." She urged her, and Yuki bashfully pulled out two CDs.

"It's a playlist of you guys' favorite songs. It was easy to make because you both like the exact same things. But there's a surprise at the end of each one, so listen to the whole thing!" She handed one to both of us, each labeled with our own names. Her handwriting was very neat compared to the last time I'd seen it. I told her that, and she glared at me.  "Just because you're sick doesn't mean you get to be mean." She stated, and all of us laughed. "Since they're the same other than the surprises, Fukase can skip to the end of his CD. Oliver, you listen first." She ordered, and Oliver complied to her request, accepting Yuki's decorated pink portable CD player and putting the CD inside, playing it out loud for all of us to hear.

Sure enough, it was a playlist of all of our favorite songs. It was pleasant to listen to them as a gift from my sister. Oliver and I sang along to all of them. It was a mix of many genres, at least one from each of our favorite artists. I wondered how the hell she managed to fit all of this onto a single CD.

After a long time of listening to good music, we finally reached the end, and my mom rubbed Yuki's back and smiled at her. Yuki looked very embarrassed for whatever reason, but the instant the last song started playing, Oliver stared at the CD player in wonder.

It was a song Yuki had written, sang, and produced herself, all about how Oliver was an amazing big brother and how much she loved having him around. The lyrics were much more poetic than that, however; it was surprising to hear such amazing lyrics from a 14 year old. At the last note, Oliver wiped a tear from his eye and pulled Yuki into a tight hug. "That's so good, Yuki. I love you, too."

"Did you make that yourself?" I asked, and she nodded.

"Do you like it?"

"Of course! It sounded amazing! Where did you learn to write and produce music like that?" Yuki told me all about her friends having a passion for music and the choir club at school being more 'technologically advanced' than it was while Oliver and I went there. That comment made us laugh.

"Your turn, Fukase." At that, I switched out our CDs and skipped to the last track. This one sounded much different from Oliver's; it was much slower, as well as being acoustic. She told me before the singing started that she wanted to make this one "super special," so she had a few friends help out with instruments.

Once again, Yuki's lyrics were incredible. They sounded rather melancholy, and as it built up to the first chorus, I felt my heart stop. Her friends were doing harmonies for this song.

'My heart does ache, and I can't stay strong,

My tears will fall, and my nights are long,

But as the cherry blossoms sway above me, my smile will shine through

Because I love you. Goodnight, brother, sleep well, I'll miss you.'

 That verse caused me to burst into tears, making me cry so hard that I started choking. I could hardly pay attention to the rest of the song because that verse resonated in my head throughout the entire thing. Yuki had crawled up onto my bed and was hugging me, and Oliver had his arm wrapped around my shoulders, rubbing my upper arms and trying to calm me down. I looked over at my mother, and through my tears I saw her struggling to stay strong as well.

Eventually the song ended, but I didn't stop crying for another twenty minutes. "That was beautiful, Yuki. I love it." I managed to say after I calmed down.

"I'm sorry I made you cry..." She whimpered. Only then did I notice that she had been crying, too.

"No, Yuki, I really do love it. It's so beautiful that it made me cry." I reached for her hands. "You're really talented, Yuki. I can see you going places with your skills as a musician." I managed a smile for her, and she gave me a tiny, shaky smile in return before burying her face in my shoulder.

"Singing and writing that was really hard, Fukase..." She whispered. "But I'm glad you like it. I'm really glad."

Throughout the remainder of my mom and my sister's visit, I continuously complimented Yuki's singing skills, and she eventually got fed up with it, telling me to stop complimenting her or she was going to start feeling sick, too. That made all of us laugh again, and the tiniest hint of a smile on her face indicated that, despite her 'angry' outward appearance, she was really pleased.

Eventually Yuki and Mom had to go home (though Yuki was being given a break, she still had homework to do), but Oliver stayed with me.

He started talking about the song Yuki had written for me, and how amazing she was. "I had no idea your sister was so talented!" He remarked. "It must run in the family, because you're really talented, too." That comment made me blush a bit, and Oliver started laughing. "It's true! The music you made was absolutely incredible!"

"Oliver, can I ask you a favor?" I interrupted, but he continued smiling and gave me a quick nod.

"Sure, what is it?"

"Can you sing for me? You know... When it's happening?" I asked. His smile dropped from his face as I said this, and I instantly regretted it. But it was what I wanted... The last thing I wanted to hear was Oliver. "And at my funeral..." Talking about myself like this was so bizarre. It was really strange to hear myself say "my funeral" like I knew it was going to happen soon. Of course, I did, but it was still weird.

He was frowning, and I could tell he was about to cry. "You don't have to if you don't want to. I just... I'd really like that." I clarified shortly after my initial requests, just to make sure that Oliver knew I wasn't trying to put any pressure on him.

"I can do it." He said, looking up at me with a sad smile. "I can do that. What would you like me to sing?"

His response relieved the tension hanging over our heads. "Anything you want. It can be whatever, I just want to hear your voice." I leaned over and kissed his head before taking his hand. We sat like that for a while before he started listing off songs he wanted to sing for me. "You can sing them all to me, if you want. Every day, you know." I laughed, and he laughed along with me.

"I'll do that." And thus, my wish was granted without causing too much of a problem between us.

We talked for a long time after that, about all sorts of things, until the nurse was begging him to leave before he got in trouble. He kissed me and said goodnight, and I gave him a little wave as he left.

I was finally fed after that, much to my stomach's delight. It had only just occurred to me how much noise it was making right before my "dinner."

No more vomiting tonight. It's 10:30 PM, and I'm about to go to sleep. Despite the sadness that Yuki's song brings me, it also fills me with joy. The fact that she went through all that trouble to write an entire song and get her friends to help out as well makes me very happy. The fact that Oliver is willing to sing for me makes me very happy, too.

Although I cried a lot today, things were still nice. I look forward to the next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (wake me up) WAKE ME UP INSIDE (can't wake up) WAKE ME UP INSIDE (save me) CALL MY NAME AND SAVE ME FROM THE DARK


	3. 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With each day that comes, I find it harder to look past the physical pain and see what's actually happening.

11

I'm extremely exhausted. I feel like my body is finally starting to catch up to my brain, causing me to feel sluggish and almost dissociated from my physical body. Of course, I'm still here, and I'm probably exaggerating, but that's what it feels like.

If today is like this, I can only imagine how much worse it's going to be in the last days. With each day that comes, I find it harder to look past the physical pain and see what's actually happening. It's starting to consume me bit by bit, so I need to appreciate my consciousness while I still have it.

I'm starting to feel more scared by the fact that I'm dying as opposed to how relaxed I was about it just a few days ago. I'm also starting to wonder what it will be like. Yes, I said I planned to die peacefully, but I also said that probably wasn't the case, and it's looking less peaceful with every hour that passes. Despite the heavy-duty painkillers being fed to my bloodstream making me a bit woozy, I can still feel everything. Dying is sure to be one hell of an experience. Luckily, I won't have to be conscious during most of it.

Anyway, this was my day:

I woke up early again. The break yesterday was nice, but, as expected, it was short-lived. I had another fever. Not as high as some of my others, but it was still high, so once again I needed fever-reducers fed to my IV line.

After my temperature was normal and before I was fed, I vomited. The blood-to-bile ratio was completely thrown off, this time it being mostly blood. That was quite concerning, and even more painful.

When I got cleaned up and my linens got replaced once more, I was taken to have a bath. Since I've been bedridden for a while now, my legs are rather weak, so I can't stand for very long, and even if I could I wouldn't be able to because I'm so exhausted. Regardless, I was sat in a tub and supervised by a male nurse as I took a bath. The nurse helped if he needed to, but he wasn't awkward and didn't make me uncomfortable like the others had.

He wheeled me back to my bed once I was dried off and clothed, and it wasn't long after that my visitors arrived. It was just Oliver and Yuki this time.

Yuki asked me (well, it was more like a statement) if she could sleep in my bed, because she hadn't slept well the night before. Without hearing an answer she climbed over me and buried herself under the blankets. Oliver and I laughed, and she shoved my leg before she started to fall asleep.

The two of us talked quietly about the drama involving some of our friends (though I wouldn't really consider them to be my friends anymore, as we haven't spoken in a while). Apparently Facebook is absolutely wild these days. I wouldn't know, as I don't have an account, but Oliver said it was fun to watch.

After we talked, Oliver had more memes to show me, including some of his own "homegrown" memes, as he would call them. I wasn't much for memes, as I typically didn't understand them, but they made Oliver laugh, so I decided they must be funny.

Oliver's laugh was too cute. It was a mix between a giggle and a snort, which I found absolutely adorable. He didn't like it very much, but I always assured him it was cute. This time was no exception.

Eventually Yuki decided to wake up, the first thing she said being: "You guys are way too loud." She sat up beside me and took Oliver's phone out of his hand, swiping through his photos. She gave an impressed nod. "You have good taste in memes, Oliver."

Oliver thanked my sister and turned towards me. "See, Fukase? I'm cool." Yuki quickly corrected him to say that having good taste in memes didn't make him cool. He gave a defeated sigh, and all of us laughed.

Yuki and Oliver had an in-depth conversation about their favorite memes for the entire remainder of time that Yuki was supposed to stay. It was fun to listen to, though I didn't understand a word of it.

As Yuki said goodbye, she gave me a hug before heading back to the lobby to check out and catch the bus.

Oliver and I just sat in a comfortable silence, holding hands and smiling at each other, until I started to nod off. He noticed this and immediately crawled into my bed asking me if it was okay to lay the bed back some. I said yes, and after he pressed the button to make it almost flat, we both closed our eyes and snuggled against each other before falling asleep.

I actually had a dream during that nap, the absolute best I'd ever had. It was one of mine and Oliver's dream wedding, the one we'd been planning before I'd gotten sick. In my dream, I was absolutely normal, and everything was bright and shining as we recited our vows. Just before we got to seal the promise with a kiss, I woke up, much to my dismay. I sighed as I realized that I was still in the hospital bed, but when I remembered that Oliver was next to me, I couldn't help but smile.

I looked over at my wonderful boyfriend and stroked his cheek before kissing his forehead. He opened his eye as I did so and he gave me a lazy smile, placing his hand on one of the spots on my chest free of stickers or tubes before kissing me. It was a very gentle kiss; beyond gentle, in fact. I smiled at Oliver  when he pulled away, opening my eye to see him smiling back.

"You're so handsome, Fukase..." He whispered. That comment caught me off guard. No matter how many times he'd said it since I'd gotten sick, I never believed him, but this time I really did. I wasn't so insecure about my appearance now, and I was able to hear the sincerity in his voice.

"So are you," I responded, kissing him once more as I reached to hold his hand. This was an incredibly sweet moment... I loved Oliver so very, very much, and I always would. I knew that he would always love me, too.

After laying there for a while, a nurse came in to inform Oliver that it was time to go. He looked quite disappointed, but wasn't about to argue, so he kissed me once more before crawling out of the bed and heading to the other side to grab his bag. He kissed my forehead and gave me a warm smile before saying: "I love you, Fukase. I'll see you tomorrow." He gave my hand a squeeze before leaving the room. Once again, he looked a little sad as he left. I wouldn't blame him, though. I was starting to feel a bit sad myself.

After Oliver left, I was fed my yummy nutrient paste and had my IV line changed. I watched a movie on the television for about 30 minutes before I decided to write this and go to sleep.

It's now 10:30 PM, and I'm about to go to sleep.

I'm still exhausted, and still in pain, but Oliver brightened up my day like my own personal ray of sunshine.

My day was okay, and I look forward to the next.


	4. 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some people say they have no problem accepting fate, but behind all that bravado, every single one of them struggles with it like anyone else does.

10

When someone experiences a tragedy such as losing a loved one, acceptance is no easy feat. Some people say they have no problem accepting fate, but behind all that bravado, every single one of them struggles with it like anyone else does.

I'm one of those people who puts on a strong front. My father died when I was 14 years old of the same disease I'm facing currently, and, in order to spare my mother and sister the trouble of extra grief, I pretended that I could accept it right away.

Unfortunately, it didn't work that way. I couldn't accept it at all. My mom saw right through my facade, and she frequently tried to talk to me about what happened, but I always refused to answer, thinking it would help her move on from this terrible stage in her life.

Looking back on it, I can see how refusing to talk about it hurt her more. I wasn't talking about my father's death, but since it was practically the only thing on my mind, I wasn't talking about anything else, either.

I became impulsive, cold, and angry; but worst of all, in my "selfless" sentiment, I became extremely selfish.

I ignored my mother's attempts to help me through this, thinking I was helping her by being so distant. Oliver tried to help as well, but I wouldn't let him.

Even after all of my outbursts and coldness towards them, the instant I broke down and asked for help, they provided it, opening their arms to provide a warm embrace in which I could seek refuge from this tragedy.

My biggest fear in the event of my death is that someone I love will react the way I did to my father's passing.

I don't see Yuki, Oliver, or Mom doing that at all... But they didn't see it coming with me, either. I know that Yuki is popular among her classmates, and she has many friends, so I feel like she'll have quite a few people to lean on. My mother and Oliver are different stories, however; I fear that my mother will lose her composure after losing another family member just 7 years past losing the first.

I fear that Oliver will become lonely, despite having so many friends. He's always been the type to place all his eggs in one basket, and that worked for a long time... But his basket is now falling apart, and he won't have another to replace it. I don't want him to replace me, but I don't want him to be stuck in my death for years, either.

Despite the fact that he's a crybaby, he's strong, and I believe he'll be okay one day. I hope so.

Here was my day:

Waking up was a struggle. I found it extremely difficult to open my eyes, and, according to my nurse, my breathing was a bit off as well. I was in a lot of pain, and for a split second I feared that I was dying ten days early.

Eventually I woke up, but I vomited right away, and I had a high fever. This combination is absolute hell. I'm not talking about flu-like vomit/fever dynamics. When you have a disease like mine, it's completely different and much more painful.

The doctor on-call came in and quickly started an intravenous dose of fever-reducer, telling me that he'd start the nutrient supplements after my fever was back to normal.

Have I mentioned how terrible it is to not eat for an entire day until dinner? I've had to do that in the past, but mixed with all this, it was even worse. It appeared that today was going to be that way as well. The reason they do this is to ensure that I don't vomit again, but the fact that I've been vomiting up my empty stomach for the past two days is concerning enough. I had just gotten lucky that I didn't do it after the morning for those days.

Regardless, I was propped up on the bed and given my IV, which took longer to quell my terrible fever than it usually did. All I did for those hours was lean back against the bed and close my eyes, trying to relax but being told not to fall asleep. They started a steady stream of cold water through my NG tube to assist in combating the fever.

Sadly, when Oliver arrived, I was still having fever-reducer pumped through my disordered bloodstream and cold water sent down my throat through a tube, and I was in too much pain to move. Speaking was hard enough...

I greeted him as best I could. He was obviously trying hard to avoid looking frightened by this sight, but it was obvious that he was scared. He stood by the door until the nurse told him it was okay to have a seat next to my bed.

Oliver gently took my hand with both of his own and kissed my fingers one by one, making me smile. He didn't say anything at all, just simply kissed my fingers over and over. After a while I opened my eye to look at him, only to see that he had been crying.

"Don't cry," was all I could manage to say. He gave me a small smile and wiped his eyes.

"Sorry, Fukase. I just don't like seeing you in pain..." He sniffled and I weakly squeezed his hand. I had so much to say, but I couldn't get the words out of my mouth.

About an hour later, my fever began to subside, and I started feeling more up to talking and moving. Within the hour after that, I was smiling and talking just like I normally would, although I was still exhausted.

"Yuki will be here at 3." Oliver informed me, and I smiled. It was good to see my sister a lot again, even if the circumstance allowing that was horrible.

"Alright." I answered, rubbing my boyfriend's hand with my thumb. He still looked shaken up from his morning, and I pulled his hand up to kiss his fingers like he had done for me. "I'm okay now, Oliver. You don't need to be worried..."

"It was just scary... I'm sorry, Fukase. I love you... I don't want to see you like that..."

If that was the case, he was going to have a really hard time on the day of my death. I'm just glad Yohio is going to be there for him...

"It'll be okay, Oliver... I promise. I'm not going to lie, it hurts... But I'll be okay." I said quietly, and his tears began to overflow.

"How can you say that?!" He asked, his voice a little bit louder than usual. "You're going to die, Fukase! How can you say everything's going to be okay when it's obviously not?"

This outburst surprised me. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't bring myself to.

"It's not going to be okay... You're going to be gone... And I'll be all alone..." He whimpered, beginning to sob. "I know it's selfish, but I want you to stay, Fukase... I love you so much, I want you to be okay and I want you to stay. I know that's not going to happen, but..." Oliver stopped talking and held my hand to his chest. "I'm going to miss you, so much..."

His words were starting to affect me. I felt tears welling behind my eyelids and my heart was aching, and I couldn't bring myself to hold back the tears.

"I don't want to die, Oliver."  I whispered, and when he looked up at me, my tears began to fall as well. "I really don't, and I'm terrified. I don't want to leave you and my family, I want to be with you until we're too old to function. I don't want my life to end so early... I act like it's okay, but I'm terrified." My true feelings were finally coming out as we both cried. "I'm so scared, Oliver... I really am... But I do want to pretend it'll be okay, because that helps. It helps me cope with this."

Oliver looked ashamed of himself when my last sentence came out, and he wiped his tears, reaching over to wipe mine as well. "I'm so sorry, Fukase..."

"You don't need to apologize, love. Just... can we pretend it's okay? Can we save the sadness for when I'm gone?" I asked, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. I hated seeing him upset... I always had. I didn't want to see him sad anymore... It was inevitable that I would, but I wanted to try to avoid it as much as I could.

My boyfriend nodded and a small smile formed on his lips. "Okay..." He agreed, and I smiled in return.

It took him a while to regain his composure, but eventually things were back to normal. We were joking around and taking selfies, and we wound up taking a short nap before Yuki showed up. Of course, I stayed awake in fear of what happened this morning happening again, but that was okay. I got to see Oliver's cute sleeping face!

At 3 o'clock on the dot, my sister stepped into my room, smiling and greeting us. She immediately pulled us into a conversation about what choir club was like when we went to the high school. That was an interesting conversation, as it brought up good memories from our teenage years that both of us loved to talk about. Yuki looked entertained by our stories for once, and she was actually keeping the conversation going. I could only assume that our mom had put her up to this, but I wasn't about to accuse her of that, as I was enjoying it too much.

We recounted our memories for a while before we started asking Yuki about what it's like today. She told us that our beloved club coordinator was still working, and he talked about his old students all the time, frequently mentioning us and our classmates. She said that she'd heard the meeting time had changed last year, but she wasn't at the school to experience the change, so this didn't affect her at all. She told us about all the new technology they used for the club, and how some of her classmates were already being picked up by small agencies thanks to the annual concert they performed.

"Oliver, you're younger than Fukase. What happened in the club after he graduated? He's old, so he probably doesn't remember." She spoke in a teasing manner, and I laughed.

"I'm only 21!" I exclaimed. "I'm not old!"

"But you still probably don't remember if Oliver told you anything." She pointed out, and I rolled my eye. Of course I remembered it, but I wasn't about to start anything with Yuki. It was funny.

"Well..." Oliver began explaining how the choir club hadn't changed much since I'd left the school. We went on to talk about other things besides choir club after that, and at one point Oliver gave me a kiss on the cheek, causing Yuki to hiss and tell us how gross PDA was. Of course, to that, we kissed many more times, just to get on her nerves. I'm her big brother, after all. My job description is to annoy her.

She stayed until visiting hours were over this time, and Oliver was going to drive her home from there.

Oliver kissed me goodnight and departed with Yuki, leaving me by myself for a while until a nurse came in to feed me.

The instant the nutrient paste hit my stomach, I vomited again. All this regurgitation of stomach acid and blood was starting to take a toll on my throat and mouth, causing severe soreness in both areas and sharp pains deep in my esophagus.

I told the nurse this, and after I was cleaned up and had my teeth brushed, she took a look inside my mouth. She looked rather concerned, and as I was about to question why, she simply told me: "You have quite a few bleeding ulcers in there..."

She informed me that the doctor on-call would look at it tomorrow, and with that, I had my IV changed and my NG tube cleaned.

The rest of the night was rather uneventful.

It's now 10:15 PM, and I'm about to go to sleep.

Today was a bit stressful, but it was still good. I look forward to the next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :')


	5. 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't really have anything to say, as I'm very tired and I can't think.

9

Today marks my first day in the single digits. It's really starting to hit me. I don't really have anything else to say, as I'm very tired and I can't think. I can't think of any past experiences to talk about, or any of my shitty moral stories that I've tended to write before the rest of my entries.

So, I'm just going to write about what I know has happened today. Here it is:

I woke up at 4:00 AM and vomited again. My nurses seem to be getting a bit irritated at the amount I do that, but I can't help it... So I'm not going to apologize.

After I was cleaned up yet again, I was told that the doctor on-call would see me first thing in the morning about the bleeding ulcers in my mouth and what was visible of my throat. The nurse also said that it was likely that my NG tube would be removed, seeing as it wasn't helping at all and may actually be hurting me. That was a relief to hear.

I fell back asleep shortly after, but when I woke up again, I was even more exhausted than the first time. My body felt weaker than it had ever felt before, and I could hardly open my eye without assistance. Today was going to be fun, I could already tell.

As expected, my doctor came in and examined what he could see in my mouth and throat, and stated that they were going to pull my NG tube right away. I was wheeled to some other part of the hospital to have that done.

The other doctor who was doing the actual pulling of the tube asked me many questions, and responded to the fact that I still felt hunger with: "Oh, that's odd... But I suppose it's a good sign that your gut is still functioning."

The hard yank that the doctor gave to pull it out of my stomach and through my nose made me gag, but luckily I didn't vomit. My cheek was finally free of tape, and I was so grateful.

My doctor asked if I wanted to have an endoscopy done to see the extent of my ulcers, or if I just wanted mild treatment for the symptoms, and I chose the latter. He also informed me that they weren't going to go to any large extent to fix them, and I understood. It wouldn't shorten or lengthen my death sentence, according to him.

I was happy when I could finally go back to my room. Despite the fact that I'm stuck in there day in and day out, I always look forward to going back whenever I leave. Everywhere else in the hospital ends up hurting me.

Much to my surprise, when I returned, Oliver was sitting by my bed and watching the television intently. I greeted him with a croak of: "Hi, Oliver." I couldn't speak very loudly due to the pain my throat and mouth were in, but I was able to do that much.

Oliver smiled at me and moved for the nurses to help me back into my bed. I thanked them and gestured for Oliver to sit back down as they started my daily dose of painkillers through my IV.

"How are you, Fukase?" My boyfriend asked, reaching out for my free hand. I gratefully took it and groaned in response to his question. "Not too good, huh?" He whispered. He was trying to stay positive like I had asked him to, and I appreciated that.

We spoke a little bit as we watched the television about what was going on in the outside world. He told me he had a surprise for me, and to close my eyes. I heard him swiping through pages on his phone, so I knew it was digital, but I was still excited.

"Okay, open them." When I opened my eyes, what I saw was extremely pleasing. It was a playlist he had made for my favorite artist's new album that had released today. He played it out loud, and every second of it had me in musical heaven. I enjoyed it a lot, and after it was over, I asked him to play a certain song again. He did so, and it was wonderful.

I thanked Oliver and we began to discuss our thoughts about the album until I started heaving again. He immediately stood and began rubbing my back as I vomited. I didn't want to see his reaction to the amount of blood in my vomit. I didn't want to see it at all. He was going to be scared, and I didn't want that. I heard him sniffle behind me but I didn't hear anything after that, so I assumed he had started crying but kept himself from doing it too much.

My nurse got me cleaned up and changed my shirt and linens, as well as handed Oliver a mask to protect him from germs and the smell of bile and blood. After that, all I could do was lie against the raised head of my bed and try to breathe properly. For some reason, my chest started to hurt a little bit after that. I assumed it was probably because of the ulcers in my esophagus. If not, oh well. It didn't really matter at this point, did it?

Oliver held my hand and stroked my head as I lay there, my eye barely open as he whispered sweet things to me. From what I could see through the crack in my eyelid, though, Oliver was hurting. This was horrible... I didn't want to hurt him, not ever. But it seemed to be inevitable now.

For the remainder of his visit, I was in some sort of catatonic state on my bed, falling asleep once or twice. Oliver didn't leave, and he didn't push me to talk, both of which I appreciated. He simply held my hand and kissed my forehead through his mask.

I was able to find the strength to tell him that I love him a few times, but other than that, I was completely weak. He didn't cry, though. He stayed strong for me.

When visiting hours were over, he left with his usual kiss and goodbye, allowing me to keep his phone for the night so that I could listen to the album he'd bought. I love him so much.

They asked if I wanted food around 7:30 PM, and I declined their offer. I just wasn't hungry. Perhaps my gut has stopped working.

I was informed over a phone call with my mom that Yuki didn't show up today due to soccer club practice.

It's now 9:00 PM, and my nurse has been writing this down for me for the past hour. I'm about to go to sleep.

My days are starting to look dull and I feel  my high spirits beginning to dwindle. I hope this was just one day out of the rest that I have that was like this. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my time here.

I hope the next will be better.


	6. 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have more energy, though still very little.

8

I have more energy, though still very little.

At 5:00 this morning, I woke up and vomited once more. My throat is starting to burn, really bad. My cheeks feel swollen and my mouth constantly tastes bad; it tastes as if my teeth are rotting. They probably are, as I've been regurgitating stomach acid and blood for weeks now.

I was unable to go back to sleep, so my nurse offered to turn on the television. I declined the offer, instead asking her to play the CD that Yuki had made for me. It was nice to hear all that music again, but I had to stop midway through the last song. I couldn't listen to that in that moment.

I lay there in silence for at least two hours, maybe falling asleep once or twice; that I'm unsure of. It was 8:00 AM now, so I was offered breakfast. Once again not feeling hungry, I declined that offer as well.

I talked to the nurse for a little while, answering her many questions; but don't get me wrong, she was pleasant to speak to. I didn't mind her questions. She mainly asked about my life, and I'd tell her whatever she wanted to know. I thought this was strange of her. Getting to know a dying patient wouldn't exactly be on my list of things to do, seeing as I would get attached to them and be sad when they passed. She was the nurse, however, so she must do this sometimes. It comforted me some, so maybe that's the reason. What a nice lady.

At 9:00 AM, Oliver arrived, much to my surprise. He never comes this early. When I asked about it, he informed me that he got the next week off work.

I wasn't surprised by that, seeing as for the past two years he'd literally been forced by his boss to take vacations. He asked for this week off, so they gave it to him. I told him to thank his boss for me, and he said that was already taken care of.

"Putting words in my mouth, huh?"

"It helped me get the week off, Fukase!" Oliver was laughing now, and he gave my hand a gentle squeeze. I laughed with him, but I found that even just that tiny bit of laughter exhausted me. He noticed that, too. "Want me to sing for you?" He asked out of the blue, but I nodded immediately.

He sang me a few of my favorite songs, making them sound even sweeter than they already did. He had such an amazing voice...

After he sang and we talked for a while, we took a nap together. It was good waking up to him beside me again. If I had to pick one thing I missed the most, it was waking up next to him in the mornings. I'd always, _always_ wake up before him, so I got to see him sleep. Have I mentioned before that he has the cutest sleeping face out of anyone on this planet?

I don't know how long we slept, but it must've been a while, because shortly after we woke up my nurse returned to ask if I wanted lunch. I declined the offer again. Oliver looked a bit worried by that, but I told him I just wasn't hungry, and he understood right away. My gut has definitely stopped working now.

Even after the nap, I was still tired, so I lay against the raised head of my bed, and Oliver held my head against his chest as I slept again. Hearing his heartbeat was so comforting and relaxing.

When I woke once more, he was watching the television and talking to my nurse. I later learned that she was about to end her shift, but she wanted to check on me, so she talked to Oliver for a while as I slept.

Oliver has always been good with talking to people, much better than I am. He had the nurse laughing by the time I woke up, which made me smile.

A few hours passed and all of a sudden there was a knock on my door. "That must be Yuki," Oliver suggested, but when he called for them to come in...

"Heya, Oliver! And hello to you, too, Fukase!" Yohio was pretty loud as he entered my room, and a nurse passing by shushed him.

"Shouldn't you be saying hi to Fukase first, Yohio?" Oliver corrected his older brother, and Yohio frowned, hanging his head and walking out of my room before coming back in the exact same manner as the first time.

"Heya, Fukase! And hello to you, too, Oliver!" He didn't change his volume at all, which made me laugh a little bit. "What's up, guys? Oliver, get out of his bed."

"I'm an adult." Oliver countered.

"And I'm an older adult. Get out of his bed."

Watching these two bickering was honestly pretty funny. Eventually Yohio begrudgingly allowed Oliver to stay in my bed, taking a seat beside me. "It's been a while, Fukase!" He said, reaching out his hand for me to shake. I wasn't able to shake it very hard, and he frowned. "You gotta put more grip into it."

"Yohio!" Oliver snapped. "Don't say stuff like that!"

"I was joking, Ollie!" Yohio rolled his eyes and looked back to me. "What have you guys been up to? Nothing naughty?"

"Yohio, you need to stop making jokes..." Oliver looked embarrassed and was hiding his face in my shoulder. "Please..."

"Okay, okay! I'll stop." Yohio agreed, and I couldn't help but laugh. He'd always been a real joker, and he'd always had the tendency to embarrass Oliver with his jokes. "Anyway, how's life?" He asked, and I paused to consider that question before he corrected himself. "Uh... I mean- um, how are things?"

I laughed. "They're going like they're going. There's no changing it, so I can't complain."

Yohio said something along the lines of 'Wise words from Fukase!' before continuing to make jokes about things that Oliver didn't want to hear. He told me some embarrassing stories (that I'd already heard before) about Oliver's childhood, and after thirty minutes had passed, Oliver was completely sick of Yohio's crap.

I personally thought all of this was really funny. Oliver and Yohio tended to bicker a lot, but they had a really good relationship at the same time, which I thought was interesting. It was a little bit like mine and Yuki's relationship, but much more intense due to Yohio's constant messing around.

"I have a surprise for you, Fukase." Yohio said, coming out of nowhere. "Oliver, it's the one you agreed to let me do." I looked over at my boyfriend, who instantly looked relieved.

I looked at Yohio as he pulled out a CD; one that actually turned out to be a DVD, as I found out when he asked a nurse where he could play it. "I have one of those mini-DVD players on my nightstand," I called out to Yohio, and he thanked me.

He pulled it out from under some of my other things and immediately put the DVD in, watching closely at my reaction. I noticed that Oliver was watching as well.

A grin spread across my face as I saw a baby video of Oliver and I begin. I think we were pretending to be pirates, but I'm not sure, as I couldn't understand a word we were saying, but it was cute. There was one video for each year we'd known each other, and as we got older, things started changing between Oliver and I. We grew visibly much closer.

In the last four videos, we were in a relationship, and in the second to last video in which we announced we were getting married, a distant "That's gay!" could be heard from Yohio.

The last video was taken earlier this year while we were visiting Oliver's parents' house. Oliver and I were sitting by one of the creeks behind the house, and Yohio snuck up on us to scare us. Unfortunately, I seemed to be a little _too_ scared by Yohio, and I fell into the creek. The last words in the entire movie were his: "Oh shit!"

 I didn't realize it, but through all my laughter, tears were beginning to form in my eyes as I watched my years with Oliver go by. I only noticed when I began to sniffle. I still had a smile on my face, yet I was crying.

Oliver wrapped his arms around my shoulders and kissed my cheek, and his brother just awkwardly stared at the floor. "I love it, Yohio. Thank you." I said, reaching up to wipe my eyes.

"I'm glad you like it! Don't cry though, dude, or I'm gonna cry, too." That comment made me laugh, and Yohio patted my back gently. He said something about 'sitting through too many videos' of me, which made all of us laugh.

Yohio only stayed for a little while after that, and he gave both Oliver and I hugs before leaving.

Staying awake for so long made me really tired yet again, so I took one more nap, in which Oliver held me through.

I only woke up when visiting hours were over and Oliver had to say goodbye, and then I was alone for a while. I watched that DVD again, but this time, I was filled with more sadness than happiness as I watched all the years go by in three-minute intervals. I was just days away from leaving all of that behind... Watching myself announce our marriage and realizing I'd been unable to follow through caused me to cry again. I was about to die with so much of my life left ahead of me being thrown away.

I closed the DVD player and laid against the raised bed for a while before I asked a nurse to write all of this down.

It's now 8:00 PM, and I'm about to retire for the night. I don't want to go to sleep being sad, but I can't be happy after thinking about this for so long.

Seeing Yohio was nice, and the present he made for me was nice, too, despite the sadness surrounding it.

Today was okay. I look forward to the next.


	7. 7

7

I'm out of words to say.

This morning was uneventful, other than the amount of vomit I produced. My chest is starting to hurt terribly. I told my doctor about this, and he seemed unsurprised. Who would be surprised at this point?

Oliver arrived at 11:00 AM, bringing Yuki along with him. I barely had the energy to speak, but hearing the two of them talk was good enough.

Oliver held my hand and kissed my forehead throughout the visit, and he sang for me again. It was a really soft and soothing song, and I almost fell asleep during it.

Yuki looked really sad as she watched me lie in bed, but I didn't know what to say to cheer her up. I couldn't have said it even if I knew how.

Halfway through their visit, I regained enough energy to speak and squeeze Oliver's hand, which I was happy about. Not speaking to them was awful.

We talked about Yuki's school life, current events, and music. It wasn't just small talk, either, it was a good conversation.

During the conversation I ended up vomiting yet again, which made Yuki cry. Once again, my nurse gave both of them masks and cleaned me as well as my bed up. After that, I was silent once more.

I wanted to sleep, but I felt that if I fell asleep in that moment I wouldn't wake up. So I tried my hardest to stay awake. Unfortunately my body took over my brain and I did fall asleep, once again only waking when they were leaving.

I noticed that Oliver stepped outside and spoke to a nurse before taking Yuki with him. He didn't say goodbye, which caused me to worry. He kissed my forehead and smiled at me, but didn't speak a word.

I stared up at the ceiling for a while after they left, wondering why he wouldn't say goodbye. I trusted that he wasn't upset with me... But what could it be? I thought about this, almost bringing myself to tears until I heard the door open again. I looked down, and there stood Oliver. He continued to smile as he stepped into my room, kissing my forehead again as he crawled into my bed.

"The nurse said I could stay the night." He spoke softly and reached for my hand. I grinned at that and he smiled back, kissing the tip of my nose. "And don't feel obligated to stay awake, either. You can sleep as much as you want. I know you're tired." He whispered, planting another kiss on the top of my head.

It is now 7:30 PM. It's early, but I'm exhausted. Oliver is writing this for me before I sleep. Talking is hard, but I have to do it... I'm about to sleep anyway, so it's okay.

I hope tomorrow is better.


	8. 6

6

No words.

Today I woke up with Oliver by my side; but I was also choking on vomit. Unfortunately, I was too weak to sit up, so I had to turn my head as far as I could to the other side and slam the button to call the nurses multiple times in a row. It just kept coming. I can still taste it.

Oliver's parents stopped by early in the morning. It was nice to see them again. It had been a few weeks. They greeted me, and I could see the sadness in his mother's eyes.

I tried to imagine what it was like to see myself like this. I couldn't imagine it, because I'm myself. I didn't want to imagine it as anyone else, either, because it can't be good at all.

They had me nod and shake my head to answer their questions or agree/disagree with their statements. Oliver held my hand as I lay with my eye shut. I found that swallowing was extraordinarily difficult, and it took a few tries to do so each time I needed to. My chest was hurting terribly, and I'm not sure why. Is my heart already giving out? The answer to that question is no, as far as I'm concerned, because I'm still alive. Then again, I'm not really sure how long it takes your heart to give out.

I listened to Oliver and his parents' conversation, but couldn't find the energy to respond. His mom patted my arm several times throughout her visit and said really sweet things, which made me smile. His dad joked around a lot -- in a more appropriate manner than Yohio -- which made me smile as well. His parents are both very pleasant people to be around.

They left to get lunch, and that's where they said their goodbyes. Oliver stayed with me in my bed all day, rubbing my shoulders and kissing my head every few minutes. He somehow managed a conversation with me while I was only able to nod or shake my head. He didn't seem bothered by it at all, though. After we had that one talk, he really seemed to take my words to heart. He wasn't acting sad, he wasn't crying. He was being there for me like I needed him to be; he was my rock for the rest of the time I had on this earth. I'm glad.

I ended up crying after thinking about the circumstance a little too much, and he wrapped his arms around me, kissed my cheek and held me against him, whispering soothing things to me. I opened my eye right then, and seeing him smiling at me only made me cry harder. In just a few days I wasn't going to be able to see that smiling face anymore. It was hard to think about -- in fact, thinking about it right now is making me cry.

Despite my tears, he stayed strong. He continued to smile and whisper and kiss me, assuring me that he loved me and that everything was going to be okay.

He stayed with me until the very last minute of visiting hours when the nurse told him he had to leave. He told me he'd see me tomorrow and that he loved me. He was smiling all through that, but the instant he left my room, just before he was out of sight, I saw his shoulders drop. He kept his composure that entire time just for me... I appreciated it very much, but at the same time I felt bad. I didn't want him to have to fake anything for my sake... I'd talk to him about it tomorrow.

It is now 7:30 PM, and I'm exhausted. I've told my nurse to write this in the manner that I would as I speak in fragmented sentences. I wonder how she's writing it.

Tomorrow... I hope it's better.


	9. 5

5

I woke up today without vomiting. That was a nice surprise.

My chest pain was worse. It was so bad that I felt like I could pass out at any moment. The pulse monitor on my finger said everything was normal, though, so it had to have been something other than my heart. It burned.

My mom came in early this morning. I could tell she was upset by the fact that I couldn't talk to her very much. Who wouldn't be upset if their child was dying before their very eyes? She held my hand and kissed my forehead a few times as she sat by my bed.

"Is Oliver coming today?" She asked. I nodded.  "That's good. I was just wondering."

About an hour of silence passed -- luckily it wasn't awkward -- before I heard a knock on my door. My sister, Oliver, Yohio, and their parents all walked in at the same time. Yohio was loud again, and his mother smacked him on the back of the head. I smiled at that. He was about to say: "I see that grin, you little shit," but his mother smacked him at that, too. It was then that I noticed Yohio had a giant black bag on his back. A guitar case...?

"We have a present for you, Fukase." Oliver spoke with a smile. Yuki nodded enthusiastically, as did Yohio. Yohio made two presents for me? Who would've ever thought?

I watched them, a bit confused until Yohio sat in the second chair on the other side of my room and pulled a guitar from his bag. He played a small tune in preparation before tapping on the body of it three times to set a rhythm.

They were about to sing a song for me! That in itself was enough to make me cry, but I held back my tears to listen.

I had never heard this song before. It was an original, I'd later learned, written by all three of them together. The melody was sweet and slow, and Oliver sang the first verse. It was a song about a 'journey through the sky,' as it was phrased. Oliver's voice was sweet as ever as he sang, and despite the sad meaning behind the lyrics, it was really sweet.

Then came the chorus. Oliver's voice was the main one in this chorus, with Yuki and Yohio doing harmonies. I don't remember the lyrics, because I can't remember anything anymore, but it was very, very sweet. It sang of how "the picture the sky conceives won't ever aim to achieve the colors of my love." Oliver's love, I mean. It was really nice.

Yuki's verse was next. Her verse and chorus were more about her looking up to me, and it was faintly reminiscent of her song she wrote for me herself. She sounded amazing, and her chorus was incredible. Once again, I don't remember, but I remember this part: "and understand, allow me to hold your hand as we lift off from the land, our time has been truly grand, and I want to say 'thank you.'" That part killed me. I felt tears beginning to pool behind my eyelids, and a few slipped down my cheek, but the rest I was able to keep back.

Yohio did a little instrumental and Oliver and Yuki did a mixed vocal bridge before the final chorus. I remember this one:

"I was made to sail with you far away,

I promise, we'll be okay. And I've always wanted to say;

Among the stars, a bright light is shining far

A red tie connects our hearts, and we'll never come apart,

Because our love is strong, and I never want to leave your arms.

Stay with me always."

At that part, I began to weep. It was silent, save for the hiccups, but the tears were profuse. My heart was aching, and not just because of whatever chest pain I was feeling. Yuki and Oliver rushed over to my side once they finished, both of them hugging me and Oliver wiping my tears as they came. I managed a small 'thank you,' and my sister and boyfriend hugged me tighter. This was where everyone came undone. My mother began to cry a little bit, Yuki was sobbing, and even Yohio had a few tears in his eyes. Oliver was obviously trying his hardest to stay strong for me, but I whispered 'it's okay' to him, and he began to cry as well. No one said a word; the room was flooded with tears for a long time.

After the tears were over, it was almost like a family reunion, though with sad undertones. My mother spoke with Oliver's parents, and the four of us children hung out for a while. It was more like the three of them hanging out, but Oliver made sure to include me in the conversations. I didn't mind if I wasn't included, though. Just listening to everyone surrounding me was good enough.

About an hour of that, and then everyone except my family and Oliver left.

After a few hours of them being with me, they all had to go; visiting hours were over. They all gave me goodbye kisses.

Seeing them go was a bit painful for me. Regardless, I'm about to fall asleep. I've spoken far too much, but I'm glad to have this written down. It's a lovely memory.

It's 6:45 PM. I'm tired. Goodnight.


	10. 4

4

I am very weak today. My entry will be short.

I woke up in severe pain. I had another fever, and my chest was hurting worse than it ever had before. My pulse monitor was normal, though. I don't know.

Oliver came early in the morning and I handed him this journal. We talked about it for a while, and he kept his calm facade going as we did so.

I slept during most of his visit, missing a visit from Yuki. Apparently she cried a lot because I wouldn't wake up. I was barely awake as Oliver said goodbye, either. I could just faintly hear him telling me he loved me and he'd see me tomorrow.

I'm scared. I'm really scared, and I don't know if I can handle this calmly much longer. But I don't have the energy to freak out... I guess I'll stay calm.

Too short... This entry is too short, but I'm falling asleep.

It's 6:30 PM, and I'm going to sleep as best I can.

Today was... short. I look forward to the next.


	11. 0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'll see you one day, my love. One day, we'll be together again.

0

Oliver here. Yesterday, Fukase told me write an entry for him after he passed away. Unfortunately, shortly after I left last night, I got a call from his mother telling me to gather up my family and rush to the hospital.

When we arrived, we rushed through the check-in process and were escorted far too slowly to his room. Yuki and his mother were already there, and so was Fukase, of course; but, dear god, he looked so horrible. I felt as if I was going to faint.

His chest was heaving way too fast and his eye was squeezed shut. He was groaning in pain, a sound I never wanted to hear in my life.

Shortly after we came in, he realized we were here. He tried to say something, but all that came out was a cough that splattered blood all over his face. A nurse quickly cleaned it up for him, and he did his best to wiggle both of his hands, as if he was asking someone to hold them. Yuki and I took the opportunity to touch him for the last time. He looked so terrified... After reading his first entry, I'm deeply saddened by how wrong his plan went. It was a bit idealistic, but I wish he could've gotten what he wanted...

As I held his hand, I began to sing my verses of the song Yuki and I had written, trying to keep my voice clear even though all I wanted to do was break down. His pulse began to slow over the course of an hour. All of us stood there in silence except for my song, watching our beloved Fukase die right in front of us. But he wanted us here, and that was important to him, so we stayed.

Yuki found that she couldn't handle it and began to break down, getting a bit loud and waking Fukase from whatever type of slumber he was in. He blinked, and I could see the fear in his eyes. It was heartbreaking.

"Thank you..." He managed to croak, making eye contact with each one of us in the room, including my parents and Yohio. "Everyone..."

Yuki was practically screaming at him to stay awake now, her mother holding her and trying to calm her despite the fact that she was crying as well.

"I love you... All of you..." Fukase's heartbeat was dangerously slow now and his breaths had become shallow. I thought that he might just get the peaceful death that he wanted after all, despite the rough beginning. The beginning of the end... I don't like saying that. "I love you," He repeated. "All of you..." He managed to say all of our names, though the words were slurred and he was struggling to stay awake.

Just then, I remembered what he said he wanted in his first entry. I leaned down to kiss him gently, holding his hand to my chest and telling him how much I loved him. I saw a faint smile form on his faded lips and he responded with: "I love you, Oliver..." It was slurred, but I understood it perfectly.

"I love you, too." I said, doing my best to smile in this moment. I had to stay calm for him. Yuki had stopped crying now and was just shaking in her mother's arms. Everything was silent other than sniffles and Fukase's shallow breathing. "Want me to sing you a lullaby?" Fukase nodded, and I began to sing what he said was his favorite lullaby from his childhood; You Are My Sunshine.

"You are my sunshine," Fukase closed his eyes. "My only sunshine." His heart monitor slowed even more. "You make me happy," His smiled slowly fell from his face, being replaced with a look as if he was just sleeping. "When skies are grey." Yohio began to rub my back, and we all knew what was coming in just a few minutes. "You'll never know, dear," I felt tears beginning to well in my eyes as I sang to him, noticing him slipping away slowly. "How much I love you." His fingers twitched in my hand but quickly went still. "Please, don't take my sunshine away." As if the cruel world heard me sing that last line, his heart slowed to a stop. It took all of us a long time of hearing that long, terrible beep to realize that what had been worrying us all for so long had actually happened. That was it. He was gone.

The nurses allowed us to have some time with him, and they took the clip off of his finger so we wouldn't all get headaches. I stared at his face for a while. He didn't look like he was in pain or anything, though I'm sure he had been... But maybe, at the last moment, it went away. Maybe he did feel peace in his passing.

I didn't cry for at least thirty minutes. I just watched everyone say their goodbyes, but when it was finally my turn, I completely lost it. I was a sobbing mess, crying onto his empty chest and squealing every time I looked up at his face. Yohio continued to rub my back, as did Yuki. Yuki was crying just as hard as I was, yet she was still trying to comfort me.

I kept expecting his heartbeat to return; I kept expecting him to come back, but he never did. Even now, as I'm writing this, I'm expecting a nonexistent phone call to come from his mother telling me that he's back, or for him to wake me up and tell me that this past year has just been one big, bad dream.

But I know none of that is going to happen. I know that it's real, I know that he's gone, and this apartment is going to be lonely for the rest of my life.

At the same time, in that loneliness, I can kind of see some light. Even though I'm going to be lonely, I'll still have Fukase with me. Our apartment is decorated with pictures of us and our families, and we have even more pictures and videos on our computers and CDs we'd burned just in case. We have the playlists that Yuki made for us, and the movie Yohio made for him. We have a recording of the three of us (Yuki, Yohio, and myself) singing the song we wrote for Fukase.

I'm terribly upset that he's gone, and I'm sure it will only get worse as I begin to actually process it... But I hope I can hold onto this single thread of happiness in this moment.

As Fukase said the other day, 'Things are going as they're going. I can't change it, so I can't complain.' I can't change the fact that he's gone, so I'm not going to complain.

Before the thirteen day countdown started, Fukase told me not to be depressed after he was gone. I told him that was impossible. He just smiled at me in response. Now that I think about it, it's not so impossible. There's a difference between grieving and being depressed. I'm not going to let it consume me entirely.

I'll always grieve the loss of my one and only love, and I will never be with anyone else, but that's okay, because he's not completely gone. In his passing he left me with a heart full of lovely memories we shared.

Oh, goodness, I'm babbling.

If you're reading this from wherever you are, Fukase, I love you. It's going to be hard, but I'm going to stay strong. I'm going to remember the good times from our time together. I'm going to remember when you told me you liked me, our first date, our first kiss, your love confession, your proposal, along with everything else from even before then. I'll remember _your_ cute sleeping face, too!

It was strange knowing how long you had until you no longer existed, and even stranger planning what would happen when you passed. But it's not that you don't exist; we were wrong there. You're still here. As cliché and cheesy as it sounds, you're still here in my head, my heart, and my soul. You'll always be with me.

So... I guess this concludes Fukase's journal. It ended a bit too early... But that's okay. He was in pain for such a long time, and I'm glad he's not in pain anymore.

I'll see you one day, my love. One day, we'll be together again.

I love you.

Sincerely,

Oliver ❤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS TOOK A TOLL ON MY HEART,,,,   
> anyway, thank you all so, so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed (and hated) writing it!   
> Thank you ^_^


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